This blog post is based on Episode 3 of the Culture Unfit Podcast. Listen Here:
Welcome back! I am so happy that you’re here. I'm genuinely happy because you're sticking with me. Now in today’s episode we go deep, we get personal. This episode becomes more personal because the reality of our lives these days, where much of life is wrapped in work and so much of work in wrapped up in life and because we aren't able extricate ourselves and be an entirely different people at work, the things that are deeply personal in life, are also deeply personal and impact us in very profound ways at work, when not honored. So today you’re going to hear a story of something that may ring true for you but it's all too common because we are in a land full of immigrants. Because of this we have unique names and it's not uncommon to have your name mispronounced and for some this is okay but for others it hurts, it matters. Thus, this is the story of a name mispronounced and the hurt that ensued. Later I'll share my thoughts on how one might navigate that space in the workplace and unlike the previous episodes where the list included three point there’s just really one point so without further adieu...
The Story
"... okay so this might sound a bit silly and a bit like maybe I'm trying to look for problems or something but I'll say this to validate my own experience to myself mostly. It hurts my should every time I see something like this happen and not just to me but especially to the people around me and I’ve spent a good part of the last couple of decade trying to figure out how to best react and respond and I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten it right so here goes. I have a name of Arabic origins, a name that’s a little harder to read and a name a little harder to sound out ...a name maybe that’s a little harder to remember. So when I show up to work meetings, new meetings, new jobs or in the classroom people choose to say it in a certain way and for the first eight years my life in the U.S. I didn’t correct them. I didn’t say anything back and it's a little embarrassing admitting that out loud but I’ve taken a lot of time over the last few years to find my way back to me and the roots of my name and now when it is said in the wrong way I feel like someone is stepping on my heart and honestly if you know this experience you know it well. We’ll have conversations during work meetings about how to correctly pronounce it and the next day or the next week it disappears and people settle back in to how they feel most comfortable saying my name even though they have no idea how invisible it makes me feel. So Nikkia, I have to ask you what can we do to move through this invisibility to extend a hand to ask people to see us in the way we want to be seen and not just what feels most comfortable for them and comes most easily to them.
I am tremendously grateful to this beautiful misfit for sharing their story and when I first heard it I was incredibly moved by it because it's one that I can relate to and I know so many others can relate to as well.
Well... what's in a name?
What’s in a name? So much, so much of our identities, our stories, our histories, is wrapped up in the names that we’ve been given and it is other than the way we look, a really crucial symbol of where we come from and our identity in some way and marker that people first use to "size us up". So naturally, you want people to have a certain respect for it, you want people to want to know you because of it, so when a name is mispronounced and perhaps even more challenging when a name is repeatedly mispronounced in spite of many attempts to get people to understand, the cut runs deep. I also want to thank this beautiful misfit for her courage in sharing this very personal story with me because courage is being able to stare at fear in the face and move through it anyway and so this for me is a really strong example of courage and for the that I'm extremely grateful.
Exercising empathy.
Now thinking about how one might handle the scenario where you’re in a work place setting or team environment and you have these feelings and you are the one who’s going through this pain, this trauma with your name but other people aren’t privy to it, I would suggest putting empathy out there at the beginning of this conversation. When you empathize with others in the room who are getting your name wrong, acknowledging that a lot of their mistakes aren't coming from a place of intentionality or deliberateness but a little bit of ignorance mixed in with business, you make the way for constructive conversation. I know this from having interacted with people with people who have a really difficult time because their ear was never exposed to accents and different ways of pronouncing things or they’ve lived in one place their whole life, they really have a difficult time pronouncing anything that is like anti-anglo. This doesn’t excuse them however having the empathy that your experience and the hurt that you feel when someone mispronounces your name is yours, but it is also valuable to consider that people aren’t empathizing with you out of any kind of intentional disdain or disregard, sometimes they're just wrapped up in their own lives or in in some cases they really are oblivious.
Sharing about yourself... a push and pull.
The fact of the matter is that it could be another important detail about you that you have bravely shared and tried to educate people on. It could be something as seemingly commonplace as saying you don’t eat meat to your coworkers and every single time there is lunch, or some sort of excursion, they forget. These are examples of personal details, parts of your story that are important to you, but the reality is that other people have their own lives, they’re not thinking about it and that everyone does not bring the same degree of deep empathy and wanting to get to know their coworkers as the next person. I think in this situation that there’s a little bit of an equation here. You try, try, try and then you have to let it go. This sort of knowing how much to push for something and when to let go is a theme that is so relevant for me in particular because I want to see change and I need to know that wether tiny details like making sure that certain people are included in meetings to something bigger,
there needs to be an understanding within each of us that there will be a point where if people aren’t agreeing with you, you have to learn to let go, you have to come to peace with it.
The takeaway...
This week's blog is a short one and the key takeaway I want to share is that now it's on this Beautiful Misfit to and you the readers to think about how many more times you want to try and in what ways, in situations that feel unchangeable. It doesn’t hurt when your name is mispronounced again to suspend judgment and to consider other's intent. If after a certain number of tries, you’ve decided that most of the people are getting it, it's just one or two people that are lost causes, and you decide to let it go.
That cut off point, that line will be different for each individual and the situations within which you find yourself and the characters who are them that are all different as well. So for some people it just might be two times trying to get the pronunciation right, to explain it with a story behind it, again if you have the will and you really want this to happen within your workplace you might even go as far as saying explaining it over lunch, putting together slides to bring your colleagues a little bit into your culture, to connect it a little bit more deeply for your coworkers but that’s only if you care. There are some people who are will think that this is just work, that it doesn’t matter how they pronounce your name and that's fine.
So this message is for those of you who feel this deep connection to not just your name but how people respect it; the words that come out of their mouths around it, even the sounds. For those of you who feel like people aren't trying, try reflecting on the balance of pushing and then letting go but be very clear with yourself about the conditions that you’d wanna see checked off to be able to let go, for everybody it's different. As I acknowledged for me, this is a constant point of growth because every situation I find myself in is different. How much do I want to push, how much "skin in the game" do I have here and when am I going to let go, and who do I need to get help from to let go?
I hope if like me, you’re an immigrant who comes with a story, for example I have a french last name but I'm not French myself, that you walk away with both an eagerness to try again and not to let people bastardize your name if they’re really not making any effort but also to have empathy for the other side. Sometimes it really is a complete ignorance, one that you cannot change, one that is often born out of operating form a very mono-culture mindset, I’ve lived in one place my entire life and you’re difference is just like too much to comprehend, and when I encounter people like that i just let it go.
That's it for today my beautiful misfits. Til the next one!
x Nikkia
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