This blog post is based on Episode 2 of the Culture Unfit Podcast. Listen Here:
Welcome back to the Blog Beautiful Misfits!
In this episode I am very excited to welcome a new beautiful misfit to the stage so to speak. In this story she talks about a time at work when she received some feedback about her style of communication, basically a story of communication misunderstood. Once again I will try to share my thoughts on how one might approach a similar scenario from both the perspective of the person who is being misunderstood, and the person who is delivering the feedback. I am really focused on leaving people feeling very much like they’ve added new tools to their toolkit so I am going to ensure that by the end of this episode, you walk away with some tactics that you can incorporate into your own work, so lets take listen!
The Story
“… so recently I had a situation where as I'm doing my work and submitting some emails out, I reached out to my boss and just in a simple email I asked if she [could] give me feedback on the work that I had done and unfortunately when I sent that email over, it was received as if I was sending a command. Unfortunately, how I thought I had delivered the message wasn’t a command but more so asking... I received a personal phone-call from my manager just telling me to watch what I say because it came across as if I was giving a command and just be very mindful of the language that I used. So I guess my question to you would be, what can I do to be assertive in a way where it doesn’t come off as if I'm speaking the wrong language but speaking the right language so that it’s clear, concise and getting my point across without any challenges about how I deliver my messages...”
This is another story that one; I think is completely relatable and two; is a little bit heartbreaking because at the end of the day, communication and lack thereof can lead to so much strife, so much angst, so much pain, so much confusion and when you see it in the workplace, it is demotivating, it can reduce productivity and there is a whole slew of things that become problems if it’s not addressed.
My own story...
When I was starting off I went through something very similar. This is early in my career, and I remember the feedback for me was that my emails felt too formal and you know I had overstated on formality partly because of the time that I sort of grew up in as a young professional, but also because I wanted to be as buttoned up as possible. My emails would sound like, "Hi whomever. Thank you so much for your email", and I would then formally roll out whatever it is I wanted to roll out and I would end with a thank you, or best regards
While it was clear, for some it felt almost like I was being rigid and though it was never my intention, there was a mismatch between my email tone of voice and the way that I would speak to people face to face in a meeting room. If you meet me in person, I am a ball of energy. I'm not bouncing off the walls literally but I have an enthusiasm about me, a smile about me that maybe disarms and creates a sense of comfort and trust. So that my biggest challenge when I first received the feedback that my emails were a bit too rigid was how do I try and soften my email in a way that reveals my personality but doesn’t mince words, but doesn’t soften the message. I did not want to overstate with a bunch of emojis and smiley faces and so I had to find the right way to create this balance between specificity and clarity of message with a little bit of the personality so that people understood that the message was being sent with a smile.
And so when I heard this story the first things I thought of were the best ways to deliver messages, so that they're received not only as intended, which I think is the primary objective, but in a way that conveys one’s spirit, one's personality and all of the nuance that help make your message land in a much more empathetic way. That for me stuck out as the biggest challenge and it really is something that we constantly as humans in relationships, at home and in relationships at work have to work on and figure out because there is an endless array of new situations that we're faced with that contain new characters and new dynamics - pretty much everyday. When it comes to work in particular, there is always a new team, new work environment, new manger relationship, new office culture, all of these things that bring out new personalities, challenges and opportunities when it comes to communication! So what I hope to be able to do is to share some tips for establishing some really really healthy ways of communicating early on when you have these new relationships, new environments so that it sets the stage for a really solid foundation of work moving forward.
First thing's first : Seek feedback
Put yourself in the shoes of the person receiving your communication. Think a little bit about how you might perceive these words having had some distance between the moment you sent it and now. Sometimes that is revealing to pull away from the moment and just look at it and to almost close your eyes and pretend to be the person receiving it just to try and walk a little bit in their shoes and sometimes that shows that actually there is a fundamental difference in communication styles. When when I went through my own communication faux pas if you want to call it that, one tactic that I deployed was to add a sentence or two, one before and one after the main message after my email, to clarify not just my intent but how I hope the message recipient would receive the message or the desired outcome. This is something that I would try and incorporate into relationships with new mangers or partners.
So let's think about a practice example:
So a lot more wordy for sure, but what you do get from the second version of the email is clarity and that clear communication is imperative. Specifically in the absence of really knowing someone, having had that time to build up a relationship that gives you deep insight into what their pet peeves and preferences are, finding a way to convey that you value their input and are appreciative is a fantastic move, even if it does require a bit more wordiness.
More than this, you should use the words that are most comfortable to you.
In this example, you’re conveying your expectations, what you’re hoping and you’re leaving the door open for that person to come back to you with their preferences on communication style.
What's your email style?
Short and concise. I like to get to the point.
Wordy and friendly.
All about Communication Preferences
So the other tactic that I've utilized, is to dedicate a single meeting to the topic communication preferences. Now I know that this is strange for some and you may have already done this but all too often when we start in a new team, we launch into the work right away. Though there might be first one on one conversations that you have with your manager, a bunch of other one on ones that you have with your partners and stakeholders that will give you some sense as to the thing that you’re going to work on; history, key documents to read, but very rarely do people say, "this is a great one on one, but I just want to just spend a separate thirty minutes understanding how you like to be communicated with". I’ve done this and its proven to be a great way to set the foundation for a healthy working relationship. Once you have that meeting set up, you can ask what ways they like to communicate and be communicated and not to be forgotten, their communication pet peeves. Conversations like these show that you really care about your coworker and about having strong working relationships. They also allow you to have a space to share your own preferences and pet peeves and if the person in front of you hasn’t done this before, you can always say, "oh I'll go first".
In my experience, I have expressed that I am someone who appreciates context . If you have a question for me, I'd much rather you spend the time setting it up with some background around what you considered, decisions that have been made, than you just launching into something without context because it’ll save time and it gives me more insight into exactly where I can be helpful. I’ve also shared that I am someone who is much more responsive in text and if you need me you can reach me best that way. For others, their phone is off-limits, and prefer email. The other thing it allows you to talk about is your most effective working hours. So if you're someone who works much more effectively and productively in the morning but the person you’re going to be working with works more effectively and productively in the evening, that’s an opportunity for you to ask where you can meet in the middle.
The Art of Communication
I encourage you to consider these two tactics when it comes to clear communication. Firstly, conveying the desired outcome that you’re looking to achieve inside of your email.
Communicating in a way that reflects intent about the recipient, using language that tells them exactly why the message important and valuable for them to be taking time with you afterwards. Secondly, bravely having communication preference conversations and making sure that you don’t squeeze that into a one on one that’s meant to be about some other topic ,which is a mistake that some of us make, but so dedicating that space and time to ask the crucial communication questions. For instance, how they would like to be communicated with and making sure that you share how you’d like to be communicated with could as well.
One of the things that I will leave you with is that over the years I’ve just put all of my communication preference information into one document and when I start a new team or when somebody new joins my team I open it up and I say hey just so you know, this is me, this is who I am, this is when I work most effectively, here is what I like to contribute to conversations and projects and it really is helpful. It's not a thing you have to do but for me, I’ve found it really helpful because I often encounter the same questions.
And that’s it. that’s the thing I would want to ensure you walk away with after reading today. I hope that it was helpful and if you’ve already been doing this, wonderful, I love it! If there are other tactic that you have used in your career to try and create a clarity of communication so that your messages are received well, let us know down below!
Until the next one beautiful Misfits!
Dare to thrive,
Nikkia
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