This blog post is based on Episode 4 of the Culture Unfit Podcast. Listen Here:
Hello again Beautiful Misfits! I've been having a blast creating these episodes and learning about myself through the process. It's been a journey of growth for me as well and I'm glad that you're sticking with us as the stories continue to come in and I think that’s a testament to the relevance of what we're trying to do here. Today we listen to the story of someone who is an english speaker but having moved to the U.S. to pursue tertiary education, received what might have felt like to the person giving it, helpful advice to the beautiful misfit in order to assimilate better. So the question that we're going to try and grapple with in this episode is how to find the balance between doing a little bit of work to adjust to a new cultural climate one finds oneself in and staying true to oneself, to your roots, to the things that help you define who you are.
The Story
"...So this scenario was actually during grad school. Within the first couple weeks the language specialist asked me if I'd be willing to work with her on reducing my accent. That it would probably be easier if I sounded like everyone else and I was pretty offended at the time and I'm still quite hurt by it. I had ghosted her back then and we never spoke of it again but I always felt like that was a part of me I refused to change. I love my accent, it's a part of who I am and if I'm being my authentic self, then that’s just part of it. I feel like everyone else can just get used to it and that’s how I feel about so much of myself but truthfully there were more than a couple times in the years after (grad school) where I wished I did assimilate better or could code switch better in that case so that it would be easier for everyone. You know assimilating sometimes feels more convenient yes, but it some cases it was also how I would stay afloat or how you would survive when you feel like an outsider. So I'm asking if there are times or situations where there should be balance or moderation in presenting who I am? ... I don’t want to lose myself, but does it ever help to pick the easier path sometimes?"
Okay so very powerful words, very powerful story that was shared and you can hear, even as our beautiful misfit shares it, that anguish that's still there. You can hear that wondering about what could have been done in that feeling of sacrifice and pain and
I want to let her know, and anybody who’s going through something similar, that often when you have that kind of suggestion that is not about the work that you’re doing per se but about some aspect of you, could be about what you're wearing, what your hair looks like, what you sound like, it is often a reflection of the person who is sharing this suggestion with you and their own biases more than it is a reflection of the work...
and it is very very difficult for us as human beings to disentangle those two very crucial dynamics. There is the work, but the work is delivered by a whole person, flesh and blood.
As Managers...
As mangers and as people who want to see others grow, we have to be able to separate all of that the things that are distractions, that we see, smell or hear, and focus on the work itself. Now there are situations in which there is an aspect of the work that’s being affected by some dimension of a persons personality and the way that they’re showing up because it is a real distraction, this is where some of the work begins as an individual to try and understand what exactly you’re reacting to. There is however a difference between the perspective of someone who may be innocently trying to help, wanting you to succeed, and someone who really just hasn't owned their own personal bias or found the right words to separate their feelings about these attributes from the work itself, but we'll touch on that more a bit later.
On the receiving end...
In previous episodes, I've talked about processing the initial emotions attached to a situation and and in the story our beautiful misfit shared, that emotion is hurt. In fact it stings to this day. She talks about initially just "ghosting" and for those of you who don’t know what ghosting is, it's being totally closed off to any interaction with the person. And so in trying to deal with the hurt, this was the most convenient response, to just put it away to the side in a box and not deal with it to protect herself, but then it led to bigger questions like, "what if there’s something there, like if this person said that this would help me assimilate better and sort of fit in better, you know I don’t wanna sacrifice myself but is there something here?”.
Seek Clarity
So now what do we do in that situation? We have to find a moment to ask for clarity. Ask questions about what exactly they're referring to, ask for help to understand what exactly is meant by the accent, what specifically is being heard that causes a problem and most importantly, ask how it impacts the work, its quality and the way that others perceive it.
So after a moment of processing has cleared, finding that space and time with the person who delivered the suggestion to just bravely ask for clarity, is imperative because we may be assuming all sorts of things about this person. We may assume that they don’t care, that they’re rude or super racist, when in fact there might be something else driving their behavior. This by the way goes for relationships at home, in life and in general. There’s a lot that happens when we assume and I think that depending on the answer, the way that you move forward can be very different.
Now if in moving forward, the person's response is, “Well I don’t understand. I am the one who is actually having a difficult time understanding your accent”, then I think you could explore that more with this individual. Perhaps in that conversation you could ask about feedback from other people, dare to go deeper, keep asking why, keep on asking for clarity. I think from that conversation, if it really is starting with the individual and that person actually has no indication that other people feel the same way, you can have a dialogue, you could say “oh that’s interesting, what parts of my speech are confusing, is it certain words or are like you really not understanding me”. Again you might be very surprised by how that conversation unfolds simply because you took the time to suspend judgment and probe more deeply.
Another scenario might actually confirm that there is difficulty landing messages with people outside of your core circle of colleagues, in this case students. Perhaps because there’s been feedback delivered that's alluded to a misunderstanding or difficulty in communication, I do believe that there’s another path forward that maybe an interesting one. But first, I want to delve into the last question that the beautiful misfit shared, is there some balance to be struck here, when you come into a foreign environment, opportunity for assimilation, I use the word adjustment, and if so in what regard, in what aspect, in a way that doesn't sacrifice who you are.
To adjust or not...
So I'll share my own journey because it is a question I grappled with when I started working at Colgate Com all of those years ago. It was super cooperate multinational company, obviously based in many countries, but headquartered in the U.S. At that point I thought that I was going to be something creative and I was sure that if it wasn't gonna be professional dance, it would be doing something creative and in the arts. I'd perhaps own my own business- I would not be tethered. So after having done my MBA in Marketing and then moved into this place and was doing well,
...I had to reconcile with this image I had of myself, my identity and being a Caribbean woman who’s creative in very corporate America where the majority of people looked a certain way.
have you ever felt like you didn't fit in at work?
Yes
No
For sure if you were a woman in corporate America, there was this perception at least at this company, that you wore a suit and you wore heels. Though there were no formal documents that stated this, it was implied and was very much part of the ethos of success, if you will. So people wore suits and I did not own a suit and I remember thinking to myself that I actually didn't want to own a suit. I chose instead to find my version, again this early on in the career, and this was not something that I got a lot of guidance on, but I remember partly partly because suits were extremely expensive and I didn't have the money, I bought a jacket. It was a cool looking one and I would wear my funky dresses and just things that represented my style with a little bit of corporate edge. I wasn’t just walking around the hallway wearing slippers, but this for me was my way of giving a little bit, because I recognized that I had to be in this space but that I'd keep my nose ring, I'd keep my hair short, I'd rock my dress, and still be buttoned up and all. It's not exactly parallel to this example, but what I'm trying to articulate is that there is this journey that needs to happen for every individual to really ask themselves, what are the things that make you, you.
Finding Balance...
In this particular case of an accent, I have had many friends and colleagues who are of Trinidadian decent, where they grew up in Trinidad, had thick Trinidadian accents, kinda like mine, and came to the US and immediately adopted American accents as best they could. When I asked them why they chose to do that they said, “well because nobody understood me”, but I just had a very different view. I myself had a different view, I thought to myself, I'll just speak more slowly. Like if I am the only Trinidadian person on a team and recognize that there are some people on the team who are english speaking but really it's their second language, why not talk more slowly anyway.
One of the things that I will acknowledge is that over time, and there is research that shows this, is that it is not uncommon for us to adopt some of the traits, the behaviors, the attitudes, the beliefs that are dominant within the organization, the institution, the firm, the community, the company, wherever we find ourselves and that is okay. So for example, people who are introverted in general when in corporate settings where extroverted behaviors are awarded and dominate, have tended to adopt some extroverted ways of showing up, not purposefully but almost as a survival mechanic. It's something that we end up doing a bit more and so these are things that if you are to stay in that company and thrive, there’s gonna be some slippage, some stretch. It doesn’t always work for everybody, sometimes you’re aware of that, and you’re like this is not for me. You realize that you need to find a space where you can be fully yourself.
How not to lose yourself...
So I do want to bring it back to this beautiful misfit's question at the very end. How do you know how much to assimilate, is there a perfect balance?
I'm gonna end by saying that if you’re thinking that, and she said this, “I don’t wanna lose myself”, then I think it's on you to make sure you don’t lose yourself.
When it comes to the accent, have that conversation, gain clarity but don’t lose it. You may have to slow it down because if for instance you get feedback [and] it wasn’t about the accent, but it was feedback that speaking too quickly, that people have a hard time following you, you would have to say, let me try and slow it down when I'm presenting. So this is similar here, where you’re not going to lose your accent, you’re not going to take classes to change the way you speak, because you speak english, but if the clarity reveals that there is a miscommunication, you can make some changes.
You can try slowing down or just articulating things a bit better. Again you’re not totally transforming your accent in the intonation of your speech, what you’re doing is saying I'll slow it down for you. So there’s a win for the individual as well. That's how I'd like to close today's conversation and I hope you’ve found it interesting, relevant and enjoyable!
I wanna end by reminding you that we are going, and I am going, and feeling a lot of gratitude for you because you continue to listen and read!
x Nikkia!
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