This blog post is based on Episode 6 of the Culture Unfit Podcast. Listen Here:
Welcome to episode 6! I am really thrilled to be back and excited too finally share this story that I have been aware of for a while. I’ve received many many stories since I started the podcast and this one was an emotional one for me and so it took me a while to figure out how to address it and how to share thoughts around because the story presents this beautiful quirk from this beautiful misfit and how that may have affected their ability to show up at work authentically. It is also unique in that it also kind of resolves itself. So I'm gonna let you experience this story for yourself and where I would usually come in at the end and provide some thoughts on how this person might move past the situation, I think there’s enough already in the story that suggests that this person has clearly been on an amazing journey and faced what felt like an impediment at work. Without further adieu...
The Story
Over the past fifteen years I’ve been steadily losing my hearing. At first it was only in one ear and eventually it started in the other. I know someday in the future, maybe sooner or hopefully later, it will basically be gone. However this slow loss has allowed me time and space to deal with life without as much sound. At first I was embarrassed as I was young and worried and somehow worried that it would reflect poorly on me. Then I thought about all the things that don’t work so perfectly in my body. My eyes aren’t great and I require glasses. My back occasionally hurts so I need to adjust how I sleep, but I think what really hit me is how I showed up in the world, particularly work. I’ve spent a large part of my career in the agency space and loud offices. Having to ask someone to repeat themselves constantly or to speak up because you can’t quite read their lips is uncomfortable and I had lots social anxiety about it. Once after I asked someone to repeat themselves several times in a meeting, because they were speaking so fast, a manager from a partner team offhandedly said, “Are you not paying attention? Maybe you need more coffee. Wake up!”. Other people laughed and I was pretty embarrassed. I didn’t think I could say I was hard of hearing and I was paying attention probably more than anyone else. I was watching lips, concentrating on every word, dissecting what the speaker said from the noise around me. It was exhausting, but all they saw was that I wasn’t paying attention. Over time I figured out small techniques to hear more in meetings and conversations. I'd sit closer to the speaker, I'd look down and take notes sometimes closing subtly to concentrate. I would turn my head to aim my good ear towards them so I had the best chance of catching every word. Needless to say, I was exhausted every day after work. It wasn’t until recently when remote work became more accepted that I started to feel truly at ease at work having the ability to use closed captions, noise cancelling headphones and recordings of meetings to review, are all huge to enabling me to feel like I'm at the same speed as everyone else. I’m even now starting conversations with the request for recording or mentioning that I have trouble hearing and might need the captions turned on in zoom. As a manger, my life experiences shape me. I know that I spend extra time so that my team and my coworkers' needs are acknowledged when it comes to showing up. For this I'm very thankful because hopefully my gained extra awareness has allowed someone else to feel confident and maybe we can help break this cycle of perfect people expectations.
Thank you for your story...
Okay so take a deep breath and let's move on to first speak to our beautiful misfit and the story that was just shared. Let's call our Beautiful Misfit Sam because I want you to be able to visualize someone as I share this. So Sam first of all, thank you for sharing your story and for your vulnerability in being open in describing what it must have felt like or what it did feel like for you as you began to lose your hearing. I can only imagine how scary that must have been for you on a human level and then to layer on top of what you were experiencing in your own body and all of the feelings associated with adjusting to social interactions you could not control. Again I can only imagine the fear that’s there because of the uncertainty of the condition you were experiencing losing your hearing but also not knowing how people who were close to you, even adjacent to you at work, would react. So that alone takes courage and I appreciate you deeply for that.
A hope for empathy...
The other thing that I wanna say is that it sounds like you had to go through some really bumpy spots as you dealt with people who just had no idea because you hadn’t necessarily divulged what was going on with you and found that they were accidentally insensitive. I bring this up because it is only Sam who is experiencing this change but nobody else is, and it doesn’t excuse the behavior of people who are unaware, but it does give me and I hope people listening empathy. I also think it underscores the way that you tell a story and the need for people to ask questions before the words that are percolating in their minds exit their mouths and its really hard particularly when you are having a good time or you think you’re saying something that is completely innocuous.
I think in this day and age, it is really important that we all develop a little sensitivity and this provocation is not meant to make people so overly sensitive that they don’t speak their truth, they don’t show up authentically, they don’t have fun relationships at work. However I think as we move into an era where diversity in all of its forms, which pretty much has always existed but is pretty much coming forward as movements in society and culturally, shining a light on how important celebrate and appreciate each others differences and similarities.
It is really important that we try and use more empathetic words and my favorite thing is just demonstrating some curiosity. In the example from our Beautiful Misfit, where they were sharing that someone said, you know, “did you not have your coffee, like are you tired?”, I can only imagine that that person, assuming that they had a relationship with Sam, was really worried that maybe Sam was tired and you know for that reason wasn’t able to pay as much attention, but that feedback served as a dagger for Sam because it was not at all that. They were putting all their energy into being extremely focused and was just missing a lot simply because the conversation was happening quickly.
From that moment to becoming more comfortable with talking to coworkers and being able to explain the situation, all the way to a pandemic that has made technology become the great equalizer if you will with zoom and hangouts and other forms of video conferencing, developing features like captions and noise canceling capabilities and headphones. All of these things have really democratized the workplace for so many, and particularly in Sam’s case, those who are hard of hearing. It is a wonderful thing to be able to have in a virtual setting with live dictation of what people are saying which is not something that is easy to replicate when you’re in person.
Paying it forward...
More importantly, the fact that he’s gotten to the point where he’s now managing and coaching others, with the end goal of trying to get them to embrace and push through their fears so that they can have conversations with coworkers about what’s going on? I think that’s a beautiful thing! So that is the one thing I want to make sure that I leave with Sam, who I hope is listening, is my gratitude for not only sharing the story, but for making it part of your mission to help others.
On Disclosure And now my message to those of you listening or reading and those of you who are in the deaf or hard of hearing community. This is a special message for you given the story. I'd like to encourage you to try to figure out the right way to disclose that’s comfortable for you, because there is no one right way, but there’s a right way for you that feels safe to let those who are in your closest working circle in. This may start with your manager but also your key team partners, those whom you interact most often with everyday, letting them know that this is a reality that you have been facing.
It's a deeply personal decision to want to get a point where you disclose and not everybody is at that point because for some, you’re able to manage around it and you don’t want it to be an issue or subject of conversation with you. You also may not want accommodations to be made because you don’t want to be singled out as being different in any way and I respect that. However there may be those of you who are feeling like disclosure is going to bring a kind of respectful empathy, within your close working circle, that'll allow you to actually be more productive because if people know what is important to you, understand what your triggers are, are aware of the things that they may be doing that are counter productive, this can entirely change the work experience.
It could mean being neuro-atypical as an example, and knowing that there are certain ways that you learn and you want people to understand that perhaps reading documents is something that’s difficult for you because you are a slower reader. These are all examples of things that you may want to share with your coworkers and finding the right way to say it so that it's not perceived as something that is going to significantly impact the way that you contribute, is the work to be done. It is as I said before, extremely personal and everybody’s circumstances at work are different and also dependent on the industry that you’re in, to the kind of organization that you're in, the culture of that company and even within that, the politics that surround you and the personalities on the team that you find yourself in. All of these are key inputs to take into consideration.
Now assuming that you are in position where you are able to share this message with people one on one, you might frame it, and I’ve shared this before in previous episodes, as a separate discussion, nothing to do with work, where you are just talking about the way that you prefer to be communicated with and trying to have that conversation as early on as possible in a new working relationship so that people understand. Again this is another piece of advice or tip that goes not just in a situation where you’re trying to explain that is atypical about you, but it could be everything from when you’re best at work to your most effective working hours. Communicating your needs with the people who are on your team is invaluable because it helps in getting to a place of respect and higher productivity. Particularly as we move into more and more of these asynchronous work environments, it's even more important to have those conversations.
Discarding Assumptions...
I think for those of you who perhaps consider yourselves to fall in a bucket that's “normal”, I think that your job is to really continue to display heightened curiosity when it comes to your coworkers and the people with whom you interact with most frequently at the office, so to speak. Which is to say, don't assume. Here is an example from my own life. One of the first people that I managed would yawn a lot in meetings and I remember at the time thinking that maybe they were out too late. I wondered what was going on and had all these thoughts in my head but this was one of my first management experiences and I never approached the topic, I never gave feedback and I never inquired. I did however try to suspend judgement as much as possible, telling myself that everybody’s life situation is different and that what was most important was the quality of the work.
However if younger me was listening to this podcast, I think what I would take away is to do something a little bit different and perhaps ask a question. Perhaps something like, ”Hey you know, I noticed in this meeting that you yawned a lot. Just wanted to see if everything's okay". I'd really kind of frame the question in a very innocuous, neutral, inquisitive way and see what happens from there because you might learn something and if the person is comfortable, hopefully there would be an honest response. Having these conversations actually opens up another line of thinking that the manager may not have considered and that is the thing I think about a lot; all the ways people form impressions inadvertently which are ultimately just assumptions.
You see the brain does that, it creates these shortcut and you tell yourself stories that don't do that relationship any kind of service. I think in many cases it creates an impression around an individual that’s not entirely true and so you have a lot to gain if display genuine curiosity. This is where I think I'm going to end this week with that thought, its' all about trying not to make assumptions, to try to suspend judgment and to reach out, out of curiosity.
x Nikkia
In today's episode we hear from a Beautiful Misfit from the Caribbean who shares a story that reflects some culture norms in the Caribbean that restrict her right to express herself in ways that represent her individual identity. She also mentions some of the antiquated views on how you should be dressing, how you should be presenting your hair in very corporate settings in the Caribbean and I will try to provide my reflections on how I might handle that situation recognizing that the entire culture, this is not just a company’s culture, but the culture at large which then infiltrates the company’s culture may not be as ready for the change that she wants to see. So we begin with the question, how does one navigate that space where it's not just the company’s culture, but the social culture at large. One that has certain norms and morals, but that may need some evolution. Lets take a listen:
The Story
Someone at my workplace once commented that I could never look professional and attain upward mobility by wearing loud colors at work. I have always felt that as a Caribbean people we are made to tone down our sense of style to fit in with the workplace culture... and I'm from Trinidad and Tobago where we are such creative geniuses, as you say Nikkia you see yourself as a creative Caribbean butterfly, and for me, bright colors have always been a part of my personality. I love pinks and as cliche as that sounds that has always been something unique to me and bold colors can be just as appropriate as somber colors. I work in the energy sector and while I will say that my workplace has not been overly restrictive and quick to police employees based on dress codes policies, I'm aware of very strict cooperate attire policies that some organizations in other more traditional sectors especially have, which all seems very hinged on euro-centric standards. I’ve had friends who could not wear dresses to work without stockings to accompany them or who could not wear flat shoes to work, only heeled shoes were allowed in the office or wear curly hair, or other natural styles that are not considered professional. Funky haircuts and of course colored hair? A definite no no. So what happens to people, and I have definitely experienced this in the past myself, is that we operate throughout our entire careers as a toned down versions of ourselves. Our uniqueness is muted and as a secondary point I want to add is that Trinidad is located 10.5 degrees north of the equator and so it goes without saying it is a very hot country. Why then are we still stuck in a mould of having to don fully lined suits. I do acknowledge that there have been improvements over the years. I’ve seen Jamaica taking steps to change workplace dress codes and of course there’s been a whole natural hair movement within the last couple years, however we are still steeped heavily in these archaic standards of conformity. So Nikkia, my question is what advice do you have for someone like me working in the corporate world in Trinidad and by extension the entire Caribbean to maintain personal identity and cultural connection over corporate culture.
Phew! As a Caribbean woman myself and a woman from Trinidad and Tobago, this one hits different as they say. I grew up in Trinidad and left Trinidad as an adult, so I have to put that disclaimer out there because I am going to be digging into this from having the perspective ,that relatability to the story, but completely. Also what and incredibly delivered story I just have to point that out. Such eloquence and clarity and I just really appreciate the thoughtfulness that went into sharing that story.
Two tales.
You’ve heard this beautiful misfit share a couple things underlying this story of having received feedback and knowing people who’ve had this feedback, but is it even feedback, or is it just written into the dress code, the policy, of the company. So there are two things: one, the idea that there is a creativity and a vibrance to a life in the Caribbean culture that is expressed in what people wear, with the exception of corporate environments that say actually no you need to wear something completely different. I think the other one is just interestingly, the hold over from colonial times where we had another country’s view of what appropriate look like handed down to us, and despite the fact that the countries are warm, still have to maintain that look.
For instance when I return hime to Trinidad on a very very hot day you will find people, office workers, coming out, not just with thick lined suits but tights. I’ve seen this in the banks also and I do think that in certain institutions it's important that there’s a uniform but perhaps there are elements of the uniform that need to evolve with the times. For example there was a point when women across the globe, at least in more western societies, were not allowed to wear pants.That was not part of the fashion back then and that evolved right? You can show up in an office or in any space wearing a skirt, a dress or pants, so there’s that evolution.
Changing the narrative...
There’s a lot to unpack within those two themes but I think the biggest thing that I'm going to offer up is that this is a case not just of rigidity in cultural expectations within workplace but it is bigger than that, it is at country level. For that reason, I'm going to be sharing four tips that I think can help move the conversation here forward in a positive, constructive and safe way:
1. Model the change you want to see
So we're dealing with a situation of a cultural norm sort of oppressing or leaving a very heavy mark on corporate culture and then having that trickle down all the way through to how you dress, a deeply personal thing - a reflection of your identity. Now if you're working in a particular space, like if you’re a doctor, you wear a doctors coat, if you’re a fireman you wear, a fireman’s uniform, if you’re in a bank or in a highly corporate culture, you need to wear what is appropriate. But this is about the expression of identity through color and the opportunity to even challenge some of the fashion that is appropriate or deemed appropriate of workplace policy particularly if you’re a woman. Everything from wearing heels to having to wear stocking or leggings underneath your dress. In a situation like this where you're questioning these things, there is an opportunity to evolve. The thing that I would encourage you to do is model the change you want to see in safe ways. This could look like putting on that pink dress, that bright red lipstick and seeing what happens. However this actions should feel safe and comfortable.
The reason I'm recommending this is that sometimes there is a sensation, a feeling around what might happen if you do something, but it's not actually explicit. I think there is the opportunity to test the waters if you are feeling courageous enough and honestly that’s how sometimes change starts to happen. You see it on the playground with kids. one kid goes off and finds something that is kind of interesting that no body was paying attention to or may have felt kind of scary and then you see others start to follow. So I wonder if the thread is really as significant as it may feel and I would encourage anybody’s who’s listening who’s in a similar place of acknowledging subtle cues about dress codes to test this theory out.
I had shared in episode four an example of how I did [this] when I started working in a very corporate American environment. It wasn’t that there was an explicit dress code, I mean there might have been some language when I signed my employment contract, but I don’t recall it being super explicit, but when you’re young you look to the people above you and you look around you and if there’s no sign that there’s another way to do it, you assume that that is the norm. That is often what culture is made of when it's not explicit, it's just what behaviors are around you and the things that you can observe. So getting a suit wasn’t an option for me, part of it was because it didn't fit my personality or my identity and the other part of it was because I couldn’t afford it, but I found a way to flex my style in a way that was still respectful to the culture. I don’t know if I was a catalyst for more change but I do think that if you do it, and there isn’t a repercussion and your work is stellar and you continue to be amazing, then that’s little nudge in the right direction.
2. Remember you're not alone!
Often times we feel a particular way about something deeply personal to us, but there is much value in turning to a colleague or good friend to share these feelings with. This opens the way for agreement, discussion and a sense shared experience. I think therein lies an opportunity for even more safety and comfort if you can get a friend or a colleague that you’re close with to be in on this. You started by asking the question, and then found somebody else who’s asking the same questions. You can use this person as an ally in starting to make those changes, and again have fun with it, see what happens! The goal here is not to create a ruckus, its to find that way of saying, "yes, get the environment I’ve found myself in and it's going to take a lot to change it, but I still want to bring a little bit of creativity and boldness to the way that I show up, to the way that I dress", and that takes us to number three...
3. There's power in community!
There is power in community and I'm excited about this because I am recognizing how beneficial it is to extend beyond yourself in all matters from raising a kid to moving to a new country, to trying to figure out how to show up at work or move up the career ladder. Theres tremendous power in finding allies in other people who are like minded and trying to tackle the same problem...
... and I think in this situation, this involves moving beyond that initial circle that is you and your friend. There’s one more circle that is community and then there’s a bigger one that I think I'll talk about after this. This notion of community is really asking what can be done to understand that it's not just you or your friend, but other women, let's zero it into women, who are feeling similarly. I would ask, is there a women’s employee group in the office that brings together the women in the office, does it offer a space to talk about the challenges and the opportunities that are unique to us? If there isn’t one, can one be started? Is that something that is encouraged by your employer and maybe it's super informal at first like clubs that start when we were in elementary school and in high school.
Once you have the first conversation with the friend, the close colleague and then other people start to come in maybe through word of mouth, the questions and things that you bring up organically, there could be a moment of recognition that more women who are part of the little informal group are feeling the same strain, the same tension and the conversation could evolve pretty nicely into the question of “what do we do about it”. Perhaps coming to an understanding that if all of us are feeling this way and we represent a significant part of the employee workforce, maybe we can formalize and submit a proposal to management in order to have a dialogue. Of course what you do, wether it's a proposal to management or a conversation with one person who’s super senior, those tactics are fully dependent upon your understanding of the environment that you find yourself in. For some it's going to perhaps be a more personal conversation with a higher up and for others it might have to be more formal, so I can’t dictate that, but the idea here is leveraging the power of the collective within your workplace and doing so in a way that’s safe, so that you’re saying, “we’re just gonna meet for lunch”. There’s technology that also allows people to meet virtually and it can be as organic as that to start creating some change.
I think if there’s one message I want to leave as we close this third point is that it does not have to be so significant to start something within your company. It often feels too big and I think there are some individuals who are naturally inclined to starting things, whether it's a meet up every Monday to just hang out, but to think on issues of cooperate change or things you feel like perhaps are impeding employees ability to show up fully and therefore be as productive as they can be. Whatever it may look like, it often just takes one person to send out a lunch invitation and the fire starts there.
4. Start a movement!
The fourth and final point which is a very provocative one is to start a movement, and it also feels big because the word movement implies something monumental. Where I'm going with it is that once the ball starts to roll within your company, you begin to wonder if there are other companies, lets take Trinidad and Tobago for example, in which the dynamic is very similar; hyper corporate, as our beautiful misfit said, archaic standards of conformity when it comes to the dress code. Asking whether there is a similar bubbling up of conversation happening or whether there are resourced employee groups dedicated to particular dimensions and groups within the population of the workforce there. If there is, then perhaps there is a bigger conversation. There are many issues that are hotly debated because they affect the wellbeing of a people, of a country but workplace issues tend to fall kinda further down and these cross company connections present an opportunity.
We've seen as the Beautiful Misfit mentioned that there has certainly been change in Jamaica to try and have this conversation on a broader scale and to use the power of the collective and the bigger community for change. Highlighting issues that aren't just within the institution, but perhaps in other companies that are facing similar challenges to begin to at least make some noise. Note that this making noise doesn’t have to be, “alright we’re striking”, or ,“we’re going to petition or march”, it's not that severe yet but with a bunch of smart people having conversations about what issues and solutions, like a video that sort of talks about what you wanna see, or proposals that explore what has to be done. I think there’ll be many many ideas that come out these meetings and this isn't something that happens over night but potentially over the years; meaningful steps towards change.
Now what I’ve described for you in this episode is hopefully a set of things that can happen safely and incrementally. Not all at once, but one at a time, starting with yourself and really just trying to figure out the right balance, of how you want to express yourself. Is it a pop of color with your blouse, and just try it out. The key is understanding just how much of these workplace policies are indeed a little bit flexible. I always say this, I think its been a pattern in the episodes, if there’s a person that you could talk to have one to one conversation, you should always jump on those.
Finally I know it's very terrifying sometimes to approach these conversations but change also happens one conversation at at time.
x Nikkia
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